"Family Age"

Today I am going to discuss some important developmental concepts that are very relevant among the parents of internationally adopted children. The first is family skills.


Most non-adopted children develop these skills at predictable stages because there is no interruption in their concept of family. Adopted children must learn to believe that their new parents will make it their lifelong endeavor to support and nurture them. In order to open themselves up to this vulnerable state, they must first learn to stop using survival skills.

Children develop these survival skills a result of the neglect or deprivation experienced within institutional care. Even if a child has seemingly experienced optimal conditions within these settings, there are consequences to not having a parent present. The lack of consistent, loving attention and social interaction with a parent figure forces children to develop these survival skills. Although these survival skills present as difficult hurdles to overcome within newly formed families, these skills have served our children great purpose at one point in time and have allowed them to become resilient survivors. Although it is sometimes difficult to un-learn these behaviors, is possible with the acquisition of new family skills.

Family skills are based upon the connection between a child and his parents. It is an interdependent relationship in nature. Survival skills are based on the child's need to manage things on his own as a response to unmet/inconsistently met basic human needs.

Our parenting strategies will be mindful of another important adoption concept known as Family Age. Despite our child's chronological age, and those behaviors/skills that are expected around given developmental milestones, our child will experience mixed maturities. Even though an internationally adopted child may be five years old, there will likely be times when he/she will present with the coping mechanism of a child of three years old. Children with complex backgrounds will, at times, regress in an attempt to gain control over an uncomfortable situation, forgetting that they have a family unit that now provides for these moments of insecurity.

Because of these conflicting maturities and underdeveloped family skills, parents must keep in mind the concept of family age.

Family age is different from chronological age. For the first year or two, after the completed adoption, the child is learning each day about this new family arrangement. This child is experiencing life much the same as an infant does. Nothing is a "given". Infants do not assume that their needs will be met, they learn this through daily family interactions. They learn through the response time of their parents each time they cry. With each response (quickly becoming thousands if you count every feeding, diaper change, loving glance, calming hug), they learn that they need not cry with the same intensity and desperation. They eventually conserve that energy to make new developmental gains. They discover that a quick vocalization will remind their mommies and daddies that it is time for a need to be met. They learn to trust that their parents will anticipate their needs and respond in kind. As infants mature, the announcement of these needs becomes less intense. They trust for instance, that the food will come, even though they must wait a moment.

Although Kai will be over 12 months old when he comes home with us, his family age will be 1 week. We will be mindful that though he presents with many of the characteristics of a one year old, we will need to support his social and emotional development needs in a variety of ways. Keeping his family age in mind will make "difficult days" easier to rationalize. If Kai is prostrate on the floor one day, tantruming over his desire for a snack, it will make sense that a family age of two months would be behaviorally appropriate. The general belief, among child specialists, is that it takes between 1 and 2 years to achieve this balance. The general ratio is that for X months that a child is in alternative care (orphanage, foster home, etc.), that same duration of time is needed to establish a secure attachment and repertoire of family skills.

This complex world of child development, coupled with the challenges of institutional care, will undoubtedly be an interesting experience. I am thankful for the opportunity to read up on these subjects over the course of our wait for Kai. We are so eager to parent him, whatever his needs may be. Even though we will be meeting him as a one year old, we will still have the opportunity to make up for lost time. Engaging in play that promotes bonding, providing day to day routines that ensure his safety and well-being, and being the last faces to rock him to sleep and the first to wake him in the morning will help the three of us become one cohesive family unit.



For those interested in learning more on this topic, we have found "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen, to be especially helpful.