Happy Birthday

It's Rob's 35th birthday!!!! Yeah!

Happy New Year! Be safe.

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to take a quick second to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. I look forward to the time spent with family and friends. Thank you again to all of your good thoughts and wishes for Kai during this holiday season. Eat well, rest up, and get ready to ring in a New Year!

"Family Age"

Today I am going to discuss some important developmental concepts that are very relevant among the parents of internationally adopted children. The first is family skills.


Most non-adopted children develop these skills at predictable stages because there is no interruption in their concept of family. Adopted children must learn to believe that their new parents will make it their lifelong endeavor to support and nurture them. In order to open themselves up to this vulnerable state, they must first learn to stop using survival skills.

Children develop these survival skills a result of the neglect or deprivation experienced within institutional care. Even if a child has seemingly experienced optimal conditions within these settings, there are consequences to not having a parent present. The lack of consistent, loving attention and social interaction with a parent figure forces children to develop these survival skills. Although these survival skills present as difficult hurdles to overcome within newly formed families, these skills have served our children great purpose at one point in time and have allowed them to become resilient survivors. Although it is sometimes difficult to un-learn these behaviors, is possible with the acquisition of new family skills.

Family skills are based upon the connection between a child and his parents. It is an interdependent relationship in nature. Survival skills are based on the child's need to manage things on his own as a response to unmet/inconsistently met basic human needs.

Our parenting strategies will be mindful of another important adoption concept known as Family Age. Despite our child's chronological age, and those behaviors/skills that are expected around given developmental milestones, our child will experience mixed maturities. Even though an internationally adopted child may be five years old, there will likely be times when he/she will present with the coping mechanism of a child of three years old. Children with complex backgrounds will, at times, regress in an attempt to gain control over an uncomfortable situation, forgetting that they have a family unit that now provides for these moments of insecurity.

Because of these conflicting maturities and underdeveloped family skills, parents must keep in mind the concept of family age.

Family age is different from chronological age. For the first year or two, after the completed adoption, the child is learning each day about this new family arrangement. This child is experiencing life much the same as an infant does. Nothing is a "given". Infants do not assume that their needs will be met, they learn this through daily family interactions. They learn through the response time of their parents each time they cry. With each response (quickly becoming thousands if you count every feeding, diaper change, loving glance, calming hug), they learn that they need not cry with the same intensity and desperation. They eventually conserve that energy to make new developmental gains. They discover that a quick vocalization will remind their mommies and daddies that it is time for a need to be met. They learn to trust that their parents will anticipate their needs and respond in kind. As infants mature, the announcement of these needs becomes less intense. They trust for instance, that the food will come, even though they must wait a moment.

Although Kai will be over 12 months old when he comes home with us, his family age will be 1 week. We will be mindful that though he presents with many of the characteristics of a one year old, we will need to support his social and emotional development needs in a variety of ways. Keeping his family age in mind will make "difficult days" easier to rationalize. If Kai is prostrate on the floor one day, tantruming over his desire for a snack, it will make sense that a family age of two months would be behaviorally appropriate. The general belief, among child specialists, is that it takes between 1 and 2 years to achieve this balance. The general ratio is that for X months that a child is in alternative care (orphanage, foster home, etc.), that same duration of time is needed to establish a secure attachment and repertoire of family skills.

This complex world of child development, coupled with the challenges of institutional care, will undoubtedly be an interesting experience. I am thankful for the opportunity to read up on these subjects over the course of our wait for Kai. We are so eager to parent him, whatever his needs may be. Even though we will be meeting him as a one year old, we will still have the opportunity to make up for lost time. Engaging in play that promotes bonding, providing day to day routines that ensure his safety and well-being, and being the last faces to rock him to sleep and the first to wake him in the morning will help the three of us become one cohesive family unit.



For those interested in learning more on this topic, we have found "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen, to be especially helpful.

Baby Shower Goodies!

Thank you to all our family and friends for hosting such a beautiful baby shower for us and Kai. We had a great time today. It was so touching to be surrounded by so many people enthusiastically awaiting the arrival of our son. Our little boy will greatly benefit from having so many loving people in his life.

Thank you for all your generous gifts. I is so exciting to be actively preparing for a child to come into our lives. Opening your gifts for him today just makes us even more excited experience parenting. We cannot wait to start unpacking everything and arranging it all in his nursery and playroom.

PA Has Arrived

Our Pre-Approval, from China, to adopt Kai has finally arrived. CAWLI is sending us a copy, as well as mailing labels that will enable us to send a care package to Kai. Yippie!!!


UPDATE:

F.Y.I. For those of you who do not know "adoptionspeak," the pre-approval is simply a letter allowing us to move forward with the adoption of Kai. We were matched with Kai through our agency, because Kai's cleft lip/palate condition classifies him as Special Needs. In most cases, China matches families with their children. This letter acknowledges our desire to adopt Kai and permits the agency to begin making our travel arrangements and to coordinate the adoption process with Kai's orphanage. Sorry if we gave the impression that Kai would be coming home within the next few weeks. Until we are told otherwise, we are assuming that we will not be traveling before the end of January or later. Still, this letter is great news because nothing else could move forward until it arrived. ;)

Keep'n Busy

I can't believe how quickly the weeks have been consumed by preparations for Kai. We've been adding some finishing touches to his room these days. Although his room was already largely "ready," Rob and I have been finishing closet floors, doors, and trim work. It has also been a bit of a chore cleaning out the spare room...COUGH... dumping grounds, to open it up as a playroom. I can't wait to get it all done and put back together. I am just going to squeal with giddiness when all Kai's "stuff" is in place. His room is a physical reminder of our waiting and planning; it is representative of our waiting process for him...not quite there yet, but close.

As usual, I put up our Christmas tree on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I considered skipping it this year, figured I could justify being too busy to bother, but that feeling lasted about two seconds. I can't help it. I LOVE this time of year. I have never given a hoot about getting gifts, I just love the energy of the season. I will never outgrow the nostalgia of "It's A Wonderful Life" or Charlie Brown's Christmas. Starting in November, the Christmas carols play nonstop and the tree is always lit. The extra time with family members, the shared memories of Christmas's past, the promise of a New Year, there's nothing like it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Each year, we are fortunate enough to enjoy the comfort and company of our families during the holiday season. Each year we are able to reflect upon those things that make life so precious and meaningful. Thanksgiving provides us with an opportunity to pause and consider what makes us smile. With bountiful meals, snug homes, and the warm hugs that greet us at the door, is it any wonder that we have so much for which to be thankful?

This year, our gratitude simply cannot be expressed with words. How amazing is it that despite many thousands of miles of ocean and land, across cultural differences, and language barriers, we should be shown the photos of a little boy named Kai? We have waited for this little boy all our life and now we will become his parents. How supremely thankful are we that the circumstances of our lives have been woven together to make this perfect family unit?

We are thankful for all of you - for your continued love and support.

We are thankful for the shared knowledge and support of other families brought together through adoption.

We are thankful for the good and loving people at China Adoption With Love who have created over a thousand families through the process of adoption.

We are thankful for the aunties, doctors, nurses, and caregivers that have offered the best of themselves to Kai and the many young children in their care.

We are thankful that this beautiful baby boy will be safe within our embrace in the months to come.

May your Thanksgiving bring you many special blessings as well. EAT UP!!!

Calling All Procrastinators...

You know I'm referring to myself, but I might be talking to you too :) if you haven't yet sent in your fabric swatch for Kai's 100 Good Wishes Quilt.

We (our mom's and I) are going to be starting the construction of the quilt soon. We have been so excited to receive the fabric squares from family and friends interested in contributing to this project.

If you are new to the blog, I have a link on the right hand column that will bring you to the initial mention of the quilt. Basically, we are asking everyone to contribute fabric squares (5"x5") and a note with your thoughts/wishes for Kai. We will be creating a quilt and memory book to display all of your swatches and notes. The more the merrier - we've got messages of love and goodwill for Kai stretching from coast to coast & from the north to the south. Thank you to everyone that has already sent one.

Something to Smile About

Here's another picture of our cutie pie! I can't believe that several weeks have already passed us by since we first saw this happy little face. Kai is already keeping us busy everyday with some form of preparation for his homecoming.

We are unbelievably excited about traveling to China to meet this little guy.

As many of you already know, Kai was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. His lip was repaired in China and his palate will remain open until he is settled with us. Altogether, Kia will need 2-3 surgeries and orthodontic work. Often, cleft palate affected children experience more ear infections and have difficulty eating until the palate is repaired. Because he cannot suck on a bottle, food is gravity fed to him. Although cleft lip/palate is a very correctable condition, children within institutional settings often suffer from malnutrition. The feeding process is very slow because food and formula can enter the nasal cavity or cause gagging; orphanages are often overcrowded and understaffed and these children require more time to consume food. These photos mean more to us than you could possibly imagine. Kai looks well fed and content despite these odds. His surgeon has done a remarkable job on repairing his lip with his initial surgery. We have been learning about his medical and speech needs and are looking forward to providing him the care he needs.

In the next few weeks we will be able to send Kai a care package. This package will contain photos of Rob and I, a blanket (that we have slept with so that he can recognize our scent when he meets us), a few small toys, and disposable cameras. Our care package will also contain a list of questions we will generate for the aunties (caretakers). We will ask for information that will help us to understand him better and also for details about his earliest experiences to share with him as he gets older. I haven't figured out how many loving thoughts will fit into a small box, but we will be sending yours and ours, packed nice and tight, within his little box of goodies.

Life is good when you can close your eyes at night with thoughts of this sweet angel.

A thought about attachment...

It has been a BUSY week - one filled with happy anticipation, anxious thoughts about the changes to come, lists upon lists of "to do" tasks.

Our son is already loved and welcomed by so many people. It warms our hearts to know that all of you have been in our corner all these years. We are blessed to have so many family and friends that have given us encouragement and support through the wait.

Because of your commitment to our family, we know that we can count on you to continue that support, even when the protocol for parenting our child will need to differ from that of parenting a biological child. The unique needs our family, built through adoption, may seem confusing and even exclusive to those who are not in our situation. As hard as it will be for us to not have him held and hugged by those close to us when we arrive home, we will need to remain his only caregivers for quite a while.

While we have waited for him all these years, he has not been waiting for us. He will not know safety with Rob and I for a long time. He will not recognize us as parents, as protectors, as guardians of his best interests. He will not trust us - he shouldn't, life has already taught him this much. We will have taken him away from HIS world; a world that has already taken so much from him. The only way he will ever be able to develop that deep trust in us, the kind that lets him know that NO MATTER WHAT, we will never do anything to make him feel unsafe again, is by our total presence in his life. As hard as it is to relay this need, it is in fact, Kai's need. Kai will learn, in time, to see us all as family and friends, but first he must experience that through Rob and I. Only time will create that bond. Everyone will be involved in his life and take on important roles. The only message here is that it needs to be on Kai's time frame. We won't know what that time frame looks like; we will take our cues from him. He will be able to play floor games with everyone; it really is the holding, feeding, and diapering needs that must be performed by Rob and I.

Thank you in advance for letting his needs take precedence over your excitement to see him. We are so greatful that we can count on you to do this for him, despite the difficulty and awkwardness of this request. We are always open to talking about the topic of attachment. We will definitely post more on the subject as time goes by because of its importance in relation to our new family needs.

I will be posting different excerpts here and there from various sources that we have found especially helpful. Today I am leaving you with an analogy of the international adoption process. It assumes the perspective of an adopted child through the eyes of an adult going through a similar experience. It is rather enlightening and certainly helped me to sympathize with Kai.

Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

Announcing...Wei Zhong Kai!!!!!!

Yes, this darling little boy is ours!!!

Have you ever seen a more precious baby??? Okay, maybe we have a little bias towards him, but seriously...Isn't he just perfect?!?!?!

Wei Zhong Kai is 10 months old. He currently lives in Nanjiing City in Jiangsu Province, China.

As you can see from these photos, our SON (love, love, love saying that word!!!), seems to be doing great. Our week has been crazy busy - never have we smiled so much! I've got so much too tell, but it will have to wait. I've got to get a couple of more ducks in a row before I can bask in his beauty and brag like the proud parent I am! More to come...Keep checking in!

Whoopie!

• 
  It has come as such as relief to us...We recently learned the pediatrician, that we have long hoped would take our child on as a patient, has kindly agreed to squeeze us into her practice. It is very hard to find a pediatrician that specializes in internationally adopted children in the Boston area, let alone locally, but we're in luck! For years, we have heard great things about a particular doctor, who's practice is minutes from our house, who is also a parent of a child adopted from China, and who has a focused interest in internationally adopted children. JACKPOT!!! ....Or so we thought - until I looked into it and found out that she was not taking on new patients. On an impulse, I mailed a letter that had a hint of groveling and a dash of flattery to it. I asked the doctor to provide a consultation for us. This means, when we are presented with the medical summaries of a child that we may consider for adoption, she would review the file and make recommendations (this is a standard practice). We also asked her to keep us in mind, if a slot should open up within her practice. The doctor's secretary sent us correspondence relaying that the doctor was out on maternity leave until November, but that she would advocate for our request. Well, long story not so short (sorry), after many months of finger-crossing, the doctor responded that she would add us into her patient care. Yippee! It may not seem like such a big deal to many, but for us, it means that our pediatrician will be attuned to the unique needs of a child that:
• has received institutional care
• may come home with skin rashes and/or other illnesses typically found in orphanages
• will have transitional needs/struggles once we are home
• may need assistance catching up with developmental norms
• may experience issues at school that relate to adoption
• will have no known medical history
• etc.. I'm sure we'll learn them as we go :)

Dr. K has come highly recommended by our homestudy social worker and several adoption experts. It is comforting to have this important piece of the puzzle in place.

Special Needs Workshop

We participated in a workshop with CAWLI (China Adoptions With Love, Inc.) today on the topic of Special Needs and Older Child Adoptions. It was great meeting Lillian, founder and director of the agency, and Meg, the primary social worker, once again. Several adoptive parents, some with their children present, provided us with information based on their own experiences in China and back home. We consider ourselves to be truly fortunate to have these resources open and available to us. Meg, Lillian, and so many of the families touched by this agency are always so willing to extend themselves to waiting families. They are candid and open about the process and the factors and treatment of each medical need. They invite you to ask questions and freely share their own personal stories. Meg is so knowledgeable in the area of Chinese adoption, but her personal grasp of the specific needs and interests of each family that has completed and/or is in the process of adoption, is positively astounding. This organization provides parents with knowledge and awareness and it fosters a sense of community among the families that it supports. We always feel refreshed and nurtured by their powerful words and friendly faces. The next time we meet with the agency, it will be to discuss the details of traveling to China (in the event that we are matched with our child in the months to come) and then again, with our own parents, to learn about Chinese culture. I guess that's all for now...I'm heading off, out of doors to enjoy a beautiful autumn afternoon in New England! I luv fall!!!

p.s. that's Lillian in the photo

Trivia Time

Here are some interesting facts about China...

• The Great Wall stretches for about 4,500 miles across North China.


• Twenty percent of China's plants are used in medicine.


• Ice cream was invented in China around 2000BC when the Chinese packed a soft milk and rice mixture in the snow.


• Long ago, silk making was a closely guarded secret. Anyone who gave the secret away could be killed.


• Paper was first invented in China in 105 AD. It was a closely guarded secret and didn’t reach Eurupe until the 8th century.


• China has only about 200 different family names.


• There are about 40000 characters in Chinese language; An Adult is only expected to know 5000 of them.


• Tian’anmen Square is the largest public plaza in the world.

Time to Wok!

Remember "Yan Can Cook"? Well, I recently came across one of his more recent books. I loved watching Yan's show when I was a kid; he was so animated and humorous. He made cooking fun long before the Food Network dominated the t.v. This book has some beautiful photography and interesting narratives chronicling his travels across China. His recipes are simple to follow and highlight cuisine from many of the provinces. I haven't fired up the wok yet, but I hope to add to my dinner repertoire soon.

Cool Prints!

Just a brief shout out for everyone that has sent in fabric for the 100 Good Wishes Quilt. It has felt like Christmas as we open up the mail and read your beautiful words and admire your fabric selections. I promise to photograph them and scan them into the blog soon so that everyone can view the process and the contributions. Keep 'm coming.

Positive Adoption Language

As pre-adoptive parents, we have spent years learning about and preparing for the adoption of our little one. One thing that we will encourage of those around us, is to use positive adoptive language. Although most people mean well, it is common for people to make errors in how they address their questions and thoughts about adoption. Adoptive parents tend to be hyperalert (and hypersensitive) to conversations that others may not perceive to be offensive. Our children have already endured so much in their young lives, that we earnestly try to protect them from negative self concepts around their adoption. I find it is better to educate others, rather than chastise them for their mistakes in this area. It is important for parents to role model for their children how to address issues in adoption. If parents come across as too defensive, it demonstrates a sensitivity around the topic rather than an openness about it. These are a few examples of how "word choice" can either promote healthy self-concept or hinder it:

• "birthmom/dad/parent" ...rather than "real parent" (we are all real parents; our roles in this child's life are different, but no less important)



• "parent" ...rather than "adoptive parent"



• "international adoption" ...rather than "foreign adoption"



• "make an adoption plan" ...rather than "give up a child" or "put up for adoption"



• "was adopted" ...rather than "is adopted" (this wording puts emphasis on adoption as an event rather than as an identity)

Also, please understand that the term "China Doll" originates from movies that have objectified Asian women as sexual objects for the Westerner's hidden pleasure. Among the Asian community, this term is seen as offensive.

Our child is not oriental. Objects are oriental; people are of Asian or Chinese descent.

Lucky Child...Sadly, our child has not been "lucky." It is we who are the fortunate ones. We are the beneficiaries of some one's misfortune. It is much the same as in organ donation. Someone must loose in order for another to gain. We will be blessed to bring a child into our homes and provide all the love and stability we have to offer. Our child will have endured more trauma and loss in the first year of life, than most of us will ever experience in a lifetime. We are cognisant that our child will have been stripped of his/her mother's voice and all the familiar sounds experienced inutero. Our child will loose the comfort of the familiar language, smells, sounds, and routines experienced in China. Our child will have lost immediate and extended family, medical history, religious and cultural influences, her country of origin, and a population that looks like him/her.

It will be our job, as parents, to recuperate as much of these points of identity as possible through developing a Life Book (a scrapbook that details the child's history from their perspective), participation in events and activities that celebrate Chinese culture, and the provision of a social network of peers and families brought together through adoption. Our child will be brought up "American," but it would be wrong for us to neglect the Chinese heritage of our child. We will be a multicultural-multiracial family. We are French/Italian/Irish/German/English (I know I'm forgetting something, sorry) ...and Chinese. And we are mighty proud of it. :)

Thanks for trying understand the sensitivity of these topics. We are still learning ourselves about the influence of language on the development of one's identity, especially among children of adoption. Always feel free to ask questions - we are always open to these conversations and it will give us practice on how to handle situations as they arise.

Pet Owner's Dilema

So, we met with the orthopedic vet today. Yeah, definitely not a good day. Our emotionally draining day involved additional sedation and x-rays, consultation and waiting; we learned that Cooper's dysplasia is very severe. They advised surgery on his "better" hip (essentially breaking the crest in 3 pieces and repositioning with plates, wire and screws). They will not perform this procedure on the more damaged right hip because the results would be less favorable. Instead it is a case of "wait & see" with the possibility of his needing a hip replacement. It has been a very costly week with all of these visits and we are facing painful decisions. The window of opportunity for this surgery is extremely brief - the vet wants to do it tomorrow-in a month, too much damage will have occurred. We have done what we can to be responsible and humane, but are facing the fiscal realities of proceeding with these treatments. This one surgery will be double of what we anticipated to pay for repair to both hips. Anti-inflammatory meds alone are $70 for a 2 week supply, so continuing with that regimen is hardly an 8 year option either. We do not know how fast arthritis will set in, but given the problems he is exhibiting at this stage, it doesn't look good. We are not sure what the future hold for him, but we do not want it to be one of suffering. Only time will tell.

A Busy Week

Over the Labor Day weekend, freinds and family joined us for a lobster, steamer, BBQ feast. Thanks to all who helped out and to those who brought some yummie dishes! We had a great time and hope to do it again next year.

It's been a pretty full week. Cooper, our 9 mth old Newfoundland, had a couple of vet vists, was put under anesthesia for x-rays to be taken, and has been determined to have hip dysplasia. Initially, our vet assumed that we would simply manage it via anti-inflammatory and pain meds. After viewing the x-rays, she advised us to make an appointment with an orthopedic vet to discuss surgical options. We are going there tomorrow to figure our what the game plan will be. Needless to say, this additional expense really hinders our efforts to save all that we can before the adoption is finalized. Fortunately we caught it in time and he doesn't seem to have any arthritic damage yet. I guess we'll know soon enough how involved his medical needs are.

Rob has had a tough year with work related injuries. He had two shoulder surgeries this year and was released back to work a few weeks ago. He had a follow up visit with the surgeon this week and voiced his concerns about ongoing pain. He is now out of work for an additional 2 weeks and will resume physical therapy. This is an additional stress, as we worry about job security and how these injuries will impact us in the long run. Finger are crossed.

We didn't get to attend the PTAG meeting with the agency because it was rescheduled. I did get through some tentative BabiesRUs planning, however. Thanks for your help with that, J-. I also need to get a jump on the quilting lessons for the 100 Good Wishes quilt, but that will have to take a back seat until Cooper's situation is settled.

I'll post more in an update tomorrow.

Furniture....Check!

I have tackled a job that I have been putting off for a long time...I have finally painted the furniture that will become part of the baby's nursery. The pieces have been in the family for a long time and have a bit of nostalgia associated with them. They are in really great condition, but were in dire need of a face lift. I'm relieved that I finally got around to doing it.

I guess I was on a bit of a baby kick this past weekend, because I also did some browsing around at Baby's R Us. That is not an adventure for the faint of heart! As it is, I am usually overwhelmed by the enormity of the store when I am shopping for a baby shower gift. It is quite the challenge to decipher and evaluate the "bells and whistles" of product A to those of product B. I found myself becoming completely obsessed with safety standards and durability, developmental longevity of each item and practicality. I couldn't even get myself to focus on the more cosmetic choices like color and pattern. I am going to start my research by seeking the advice of parents with first hand knowledge and online product comparisons for now - it will be a lot easier to tackle those aisles once I have little more direction.

As far as the 100 Good Wishes Quilt is concerned, I think I may post a "goal date" for anyone interested in contributing fabric squares. It will help all the procrastinators (like me) to select a fabric and send it over. I have asked my mom and Rob's mom to join me in the quilting fun! I know they are excited to get started, but we can't really plan out how the squares will be arranged until we see how many we are working with and what they look like. Thank you to all of you who have expressed an interest in helping out. Also, in case my general instructions were too vague, I did post an additional link with examples of what other people have created. Feel free to leave me a message in the "comment section" if you need further details.

The process, as of late...

(This is our pregnancy ultrasound) * I swiped the image from another blog :)

Our Adoption Journey
So initially, to begin the official adoption process, we contacted China Adoption With Love, Inc. back in the winter of 2007. Prior to that, I had attended several workshops at an annual adoption conference and did a lot of online research. We attended an informational meeting at our agency and were able to meet Meg, the agency social worker and Lillian, the agency founder and director. Lillian and Meg presented information and answered questions about what the adoption process entails. Among us, there were about five other couples in attendance. This small, Brookline office proudly depicts the hundreds of happy parents, siblings and children brought together by adoption through the multiple photos that line the walls and halls of their agency. Lillian, a native of China spoke with such eloquence and warmth about their mission at the agency. We truly could have listened to her speak for hours. The information she offers is priceless, but the manner in which she delivers it is so evidently backed with a sincere love and dedication to her work; one can't help leaving her office feeling inspired and connected. I encourage you to get a sense of "who Lillian is" by reading her posts on the agency website. Her thoughts and observations in her mission statement and words about the Chinese culture are worth the read.
Anyway, on April 15, 2008, we submitted our first official request to begin the adoption process. Within the week, we were sent a massive intake packet and were contacted by Mary, an independent social worker that would conduct our homestudy. Our intake packet was over 40 pages in total. Its contents included such things as: recommended reading and websites, the pros and cons of the adoption process, an adoptive child's Bill of Rights, checklists for all the domestic and international documents that we would need to gather, physical exam forms, samples of the Letter of Intent we would need to compose for China, ideas on what to include on our 5 pg(each) autobiographies, etc.. All this needed to be done for the completion of our dossier - the portfolio that our agency prepares on our behalf, complete with the 7 page report prepared by Mary, that gives an account of our lives, her impressions of our home, the family environment and her recommendation that we are prepared to adopt and provide for a child.
I will admit that despite our excitement to finally be able to put our dreams into motion, the paper chase did prove to be daunting at times. In September we were fingerprinted, our record was checked by the FBI, and we were granted the approval of the United States to apply for international adoption. Whew! Once everything was compiled and processed, the agency translated all of our documents and submitted our dossier to the CCAA (the China Center of Adoption Affairs). Our dossier was sent to China along with those of a few other families within our agency. These families will be our "travel mates" and will be receiving their referrals at the same time as us, in the event that we are referred a non special needs child.
We recently completed an update of our homestudy because we are soon approaching its one year expiration. Within this update, we expanded our adoption intentions to include children within China's special needs program. Over the past few months we have grown to learn more about what conditions are encompassed within the "special needs" program. Unfortunately, as parents, we are all guilty of wanting our perfect little baby. This definition then leads to children with minor and/or correctable medical needs to be labeled as special needs. As a special educator, I should know that this is a very broad term, but until recently hadn't known just how minor some of these "conditions" were. We completed a checklist, identifying which conditions we would be open to consider. Our agency will present us with the files of children that fall within this list of cosmetic and/or minor medical needs. We will determine if we feel that this child is a match for us, if so, we will write a letter of intent to China. We have the right to have our pediatrician review the child's file and even request additional medical tests if desired. If we adopt a child from the SN program, we will not be travelling with our DTC travel group. CAWLI (our agency), will arrange for us to travel to China with other families that will be going together in the coming months.
We cannot predict what our timeline will look like. The NSN program (non special needs) has a very long waiting list that will undoubtedly become longer each month; at present, families have been waiting over 40 mths. in the system before they receive a referral because of the backlog of applicants. The SN program may place us with a child in as little as two months or as many as twenty-four. The unpredictability of it all is a bit unsettling, but is exciting all the same. If we receive a referral for a NSN child, we will have 6-8 weeks before our travel date. If we receive a SN referral, we may need to wait 4 mths. until we travel because the arrangement process with China is different. CAWLI makes all the domestic and international travel arrangements, provides us with knowledgeable travel guides, sends a pediatrician along, books all flights/hotel stays, sightseeing tours, etc.
In the meantime, we will update our USCIS approval and remain a "waiting family." Because we really don't know when everything will happen ,we have signed up for the September PTAG (parent travel advisory group) hosted by families that have already experienced the travel process to China. These knowledgeable folks will give us a parents' perspective on what to anticipate in China, what to bring/not bring, and give advice on all the little details involved. We will do a more official travel group meeting with CAWLI prior to our trip. Wow, I've gone on long enough for one day. I'll give your brains a rest for now and post more on our "goings on" later. - Beth

100 Wishes Quilt

100 WISHES!

I am eager to invite everyone to join me in creating a "100 Wishes Quilt" for our baby. Here is a description of this cultural Chinese tradition that many adoptive families incorporate at home.

*So as not to commit plagiarism, I am quoting from this site: http://www.originalquilts.com/100_good_wishes_quilts.htm#What%20is%20a%20100%20Good%20Wishes%20Quilt)


What is a 100 Good Wishes Quilt?
To welcome and celebrate a new life, there is a tradition in the northern part of China to make a Bai Jia Bei, or 100 Good Wishes Quilt. It is a custom to invite friends and family to contribute a patch of cloth with a wish for the baby. Part of the patch of cloth goes into the quilt for the baby, and the other part of the cloth can go into a creative memory notebook with the wish for the child. The quilt contains the luck, energy, and good wishes from all the families and friends who contributed a piece of fabric. The quilt is then passed down from generation to generation. It is a tradition to greet the new baby with a 100 Good Wishes Quilt. Although this is a Chinese tradition, it is a great tradition for any child to be welcomed this way. What a treat to read the good wishes when the child is older to know how much they were wanted!

This site has multiple photos to provide ideas on fabric choices and quilt patterns, but I have also enjoyed looking at the quilts featured in the blogs of other adoptive families (the blogs I follow are listed in the margin).

Other great sites:

http://www.quiltsquares.blogspot.com/

http://tate-r-bug-quilt.blogspot.com/

http://members.cox.net/~joannanorman/quilt/index.html

If you want to participate:

~ Select a fabric that either represents your "wish" for our baby or one that you simply think would be fun for the quilt. 100% cotton washes/wears better. (It can be new fabric, or material that comes from a garment/textile/heirloom in your own home.)

~ The swatches need to be 5 inches in height and width.

~ Please send 4 gender neutral swatches from the fabric you choose: We can't be sure whether we will be referred a boy/girl or twins. (One swatch is used to create the memory book and the other is for the quilt. We want to have an extra set of squares in case we have twins.)

~ Along with your swatches, please include a personalized note to our child. You can provide advice, good wishes, a poem, joke, or any other thoughts to be added into a memory book. Your note will be placed alongside the extra swatch you've included so that your contribution to the quilt will always be identifiable.

~ Email me for my address: bebmarr@yahoo.com

I am so excited to begin this project! It is a great way to include everyone in our adoption process and give our baby a lifelong treasure that will always stand as a reminder of the love and commitment of family and friends.

I begin, a novice blogger...

I have been eager to join the many other waiting families in documenting the preparation for and arrival of our baby from China. I have been following the journeys of other families brought together by Chinese adoptions and now feel it is time to begin documenting our thoughts and activities as we await our "someday child".

Our Log In Date (LID) with China, was the 23rd of Jan. 2009. That is the date where our official waiting began; where we became just one of thousands of other Americans applying for international adoption in China this year. Truly our wait began over 6 years ago when we agreed that our family would grow through China's adoption program, however because of age requirements, we needed to wait until we were both at least 30 yrs old. At the time of this decision, the entire process took approx. one year. With current wait times averaging 39 mths for those families who have just received their referrals, our wait may exceed 3 years as well. Our application specifies that we would be open to a boy or girl or twins between the ages of 6 mths to a year with or without special needs (children under the age of 6 mths. are not eligible for international adoption). We have dreamed of this child, we have anticipated this child, and already this child is loved by two expectant parents and all the family and friends that our lives have been blessed to share.