Positive Adoption Language

As pre-adoptive parents, we have spent years learning about and preparing for the adoption of our little one. One thing that we will encourage of those around us, is to use positive adoptive language. Although most people mean well, it is common for people to make errors in how they address their questions and thoughts about adoption. Adoptive parents tend to be hyperalert (and hypersensitive) to conversations that others may not perceive to be offensive. Our children have already endured so much in their young lives, that we earnestly try to protect them from negative self concepts around their adoption. I find it is better to educate others, rather than chastise them for their mistakes in this area. It is important for parents to role model for their children how to address issues in adoption. If parents come across as too defensive, it demonstrates a sensitivity around the topic rather than an openness about it. These are a few examples of how "word choice" can either promote healthy self-concept or hinder it:

• "birthmom/dad/parent" ...rather than "real parent" (we are all real parents; our roles in this child's life are different, but no less important)



• "parent" ...rather than "adoptive parent"



• "international adoption" ...rather than "foreign adoption"



• "make an adoption plan" ...rather than "give up a child" or "put up for adoption"



• "was adopted" ...rather than "is adopted" (this wording puts emphasis on adoption as an event rather than as an identity)

Also, please understand that the term "China Doll" originates from movies that have objectified Asian women as sexual objects for the Westerner's hidden pleasure. Among the Asian community, this term is seen as offensive.

Our child is not oriental. Objects are oriental; people are of Asian or Chinese descent.

Lucky Child...Sadly, our child has not been "lucky." It is we who are the fortunate ones. We are the beneficiaries of some one's misfortune. It is much the same as in organ donation. Someone must loose in order for another to gain. We will be blessed to bring a child into our homes and provide all the love and stability we have to offer. Our child will have endured more trauma and loss in the first year of life, than most of us will ever experience in a lifetime. We are cognisant that our child will have been stripped of his/her mother's voice and all the familiar sounds experienced inutero. Our child will loose the comfort of the familiar language, smells, sounds, and routines experienced in China. Our child will have lost immediate and extended family, medical history, religious and cultural influences, her country of origin, and a population that looks like him/her.

It will be our job, as parents, to recuperate as much of these points of identity as possible through developing a Life Book (a scrapbook that details the child's history from their perspective), participation in events and activities that celebrate Chinese culture, and the provision of a social network of peers and families brought together through adoption. Our child will be brought up "American," but it would be wrong for us to neglect the Chinese heritage of our child. We will be a multicultural-multiracial family. We are French/Italian/Irish/German/English (I know I'm forgetting something, sorry) ...and Chinese. And we are mighty proud of it. :)

Thanks for trying understand the sensitivity of these topics. We are still learning ourselves about the influence of language on the development of one's identity, especially among children of adoption. Always feel free to ask questions - we are always open to these conversations and it will give us practice on how to handle situations as they arise.